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[Thursday
December 3rd, 2009
3:42pm] |
I think a guy is cute.
Does he know I exist?
...probably not...
a girl can imagine.
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[Wednesday
October 21st, 2009
10:53pm] |
some random rambles:
I want sushi
I love window shopping on internet sites
Now I need more cash flow so I don't need to window shop
Why is urban outfitters ridiculously expensive?
I think I want to go to a trade school
and do dental assisting
I really like your teefff.
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| all the good that won't come out of me |
[Monday
October 5th, 2009
3:16pm] |
i really am doing the best i can with what i've got. people doubt me, but it just gives me more reasons to prove them wrong. not only that, but i actually could care less what they think about me. i know it sounds quite selfish, but i'm doing what i feel will make me a happier person. i drained my energy into something that never got the feedback i felt i deserved, and eventually from paying attention to other people's problems i've seemed to lose myself. so instead of focusing on everybody, i'm starting to walk down a different path. one that will help me see the better in myself, and actually learn to love myself. i've already taken my first few baby steps, but now i see a future of farther leaps. my potential is much more then i am giving out, and i know i can show it. the lifestyle i lead may not seem ideal, but it's keeping me secure until i venture out into bigger, and better things. my intentions were never to break hearts, but it's all in the process of what had to be done. the pain is never easy, and the lonely nights are never ideal, but i'd rather face the music then hide behind the curtains thinking about the what ifs and how to's. right now, i feel a tad empty. almost like a blank canvas, but the painter is there, with ideas in His mind, just waiting for the right time to get to painting, because He'd hate to have to restart. i always think about God, more then anything...and just how much i love Him, and keep my faith in his hands, and know that the paths He brings me down will be secured with Him. i never feel alone in this thing we call life. i never will. may the best prevail in the months to come. the hardship will take the course it needs to, but i can't let what it does control me. just keeping my mind on myself, and the loved ones around me is enough. i don't know where i'd be without the people in my life. friend or family, they are truly the people who are dearest in my heart, and always bringing me to a smile in the roughest times. thank you.
"and memories of love will be the only thing we have in the end"
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| untitled. |
[Monday
September 28th, 2009
10:42am] |
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Nobody reads this so I can just pour out whatever I feel. This past week has been nothing but bad luck, but I feel it was all a part of a challenge for myself to see if I can make it being alone, and I can. Mistakes and misfortune happen, but they aren't going to ruin my life because I've still got so much more fortune in my life to think about. A sappy breakup had to happen, and now I'm slowly watching the time pass by 'til I feel whole again. I don't feel like I need a boy to be happy, because right now I need to find myself in order to be a happy person...and I'd rather not focus it on trying to make somebody else happy but never ever feeling like I achieved that within them. I feel as if I was with somebody for comfort and not realising that there is more to it than that. I strived to bring happiness but there was always a problem. Though it is the end of an era, I can still look at the positives that I possessed during the time period...but sometimes when your heart and head are raging thoughts inside your mind it's better to end it. Now all I care about is my well being and spending time with myself. Yea...I know it'll be okay for awhile and possibly get into another slump, but nobody predicted life as a simple subject. My passions have shifted to things I've imagined since I was a young girl, the art of posing for the camera and expressing myself through other people's ideas. No...not in a naked way! The art of photography captivates me daily, and being part of the subject the artist wants to possess is fascinating to me. There's more to modeling then money and fame, for it's a passion that you must have and hold. Now here I am, facing no's and "yea we'll call ya" but not giving up. A million no's to get a yes is what I expected and I'm taking it firmly. As for my education? That's another subject. Frustrating as hell because I don't know what path to take for it. Part of me loves the dental field, and the other part of me is obsessed with art...but where to go with it? I'm trying to focus my attention on my education but I feel uninspired by everything in it. I know general education is always the first step, and I won't give up now, but it's also hard to see the path ahead with all the frustrating signs posted in front of me. I just keep my eyes open and my heart fully with God, Jesus Christ my savior. He gives me these challenges because He knows I can take them, and besides you'll never learn anything if everything is handed to you easily. I'm still so overwhelmingly blessed though, for my health, my support, and the little but enjoyable wealth I possess. Life would be nowhere without my love for The Holy Spirit, which is why I have it sprawled all along the top of my back. A big thank you and admiration for the staple to my life. Whatever life brings me next, I'll just accept it...and to be honest? I'm a little excited for whatever comes next.
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[Sunday
August 30th, 2009
11:37pm] |
It's funny how old I'm getting. I never want to forget who I am, I don't want to fall into a boring catagory.
I just wanna ride on the ocean tide, just doing my own thing.
the only thing inspiring myself is my past.
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[Wednesday
April 22nd, 2009
12:04am] |
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sometimes I drive so fast, just to feel the danger.
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[Saturday
December 20th, 2008
1:43am] |
" i've never cared about something so much in my life to let it bother me as much as it does. you're the only person i constantly worry about and the only person i can't help but to cry when i see you or talk about you with other people. i hope you realize what you're doing to yourself and everyone around you. the day something really happens to you (again) will be the worst day i will ever have in my life and i will fully blame you for my sadness every chance i get.
all i ask is that you please be careful. please please please.
because you'll never know how much your life means to me."
somebody said that about someone else, and I could spit the same words out on the plate in front of me.
you really don't understand how much you mean to me
even I find it hard to grasp.
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[Tuesday
December 2nd, 2008
1:41am] |
seems i'm going through some changes.
definitely premature stages, but I can feel it.
I want to move to somewhere where it always rains,
just for a year.
enjoy the beauty of this world, outside of california, we are just one state out of 50 more.
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[Saturday
November 29th, 2008
12:30am] |
wake up your eyes, and darling your smile.
im afraid youve stopped to lick your wounds.
music is the most important..how do I say it ITEM in my life. The love I have for it is unexplainable. It gives me chills it brings me thrills it makes me cry it makes me smile and it makes my heart skip a beat. A voice can do so much to a person, that is why I hyperventilate when I am alone for long periods of time, I need it. Keeps my sanity
so this is to you, music,
from day one to this day to many more.
Amen.
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[Friday
November 21st, 2008
1:08am] |
i just want to actually get up from my chair of lazayyyyness
i wanna swim away but dont know howwwww
sometimes it feels just like im falling in the oceannn
i hope I get that job at target only because more cash flooo means moo monaaayyy.
but two jobs is a challenge.
take me to disneyland, ride every ride with me and remind me that i am still young.
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[Thursday
November 6th, 2008
10:21pm] |
i just dropped my english class.
didnt tell anyone,
just gave up.
fuck you acidic tummy aches,
fuck you cause and effect outlines with no directions.
Im not made for school
FUCK,
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[Monday
October 20th, 2008
11:14pm] |
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a big ol sigh from me.
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[Sunday
October 5th, 2008
10:56pm] |
I would enjoy a rainfall.
Im really upset over this not passing my essay bullshit. I feel like school isnt for me, like somebody is telling me i don't need it to be what I want to be. Doesn't mean I'm going to give up though either. I'm debating transferring to RCC norco campus, after intermission though at SCC. I guess i'll just set up a bunch of messy counselor appointments and figure this shit out, very frustrating. I wish SCC campus was closer to me, with some of the people I actually like there. Sigh.
8.
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[Tuesday
September 9th, 2008
8:39pm] |
i feel less important to anybody nowdays.
but I just felt this rush over my body,
like its 4 years ago or something...but it's not
I don't know what i'd do different if I could go back
what would happen...i'd hold my friends a little bit tighter
and never let them go, ever. I'd learn from a stupid mistake
and there..I don't even know how to put it.
I don't know. I really don't know. But I do know I would
of never given up theater, even though I hated that teacher.
I'd prevent OTHERS from making the mistakes they made
I'd be happy.
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[Sunday
August 31st, 2008
12:28am] |
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I suddenly remember my life freshmen year, and It's making me wonder why I ever let that girl go. She just got built up with anger and stepped all over her beliefs. I didn't like that girl. That's the girl that's never left. I'm opening the door and asking her to leave. I'm also telling her to bring my friends lazy and procrastinator with her...and i'm asking she doesnt return, and she gives me back the girl I let go, but even better.
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[Saturday
August 23rd, 2008
2:24pm] |
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my life right now is literally empty. No excitement, i cant even write anything its that boring.
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[Thursday
July 24th, 2008
11:27pm] |
i thought this cruise would be tight
THOUGHT
now i believe i will hate it immensely.
hatehatehtaehtahethhahahahahahahahahahate.
NOTE TO SELF
DONT BRING A LOVER ON A CRUISE, YOULL HATE IT.
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[Tuesday
June 3rd, 2008
5:16pm] |
in my user info it states im not that complicated. IM NOT. but now I am! i'm always frustrated and annoyed by my own self. the littlest things drive me crazy. it bugs the crap out of me. my life is so boring i could sleep on it and it'd be more fun then sitting around. im always feeling unhappy, i havent felt happy in months, i feel like im in a little box and thats about all i can do is stay there. it's nuts. I hate my job, i work my ass off helping those people for a year and what 8 months! and what do I get???!?!?!?! 8.50! EIGHT FIFTY. i get 250 dollar paychecks every two weeks. thats bullshit, im gonna be cocky by saying I KNOW I DESERVE BETTER. but now im quitting my job for schooling. i desperatly want to work at disneyland and i cant because I CANT MOVE ANYMORE ALTHOUGH I WAS PROMISED WE WERE MOVING BUT OH NO MY MOM LOVES TO FAKE PROMISES ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY. so im saying FUCK IT.
drop my life and im staying with my cousins in anaheim. my schools out there and i CHOSE to go there,
in the end, theres too many bad memories here. I see faces of people i used to talk to every day and night, and what do we do now? fucking stare the other way so we wont be noticed. how pathetic are we? why would I want to stay in a town where i know this is gonna happen more then once? huhuhuhuh.
i just know somethings missing in my life. i dont know what it is yet, but its just not making me feel fufilled. i feel like a piece of shit basicallly.
fuck this.
ps, pmsing is a bitch.
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[Saturday
March 8th, 2008
10:50am] |
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get me OUT OF THIS HOUSE TOWN CITY PEOPLE FUCK.
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[Thursday
March 6th, 2008
2:20pm] |
I wish it was as easy as 123 to move. I also wish people other then me could be excited to move also. I talk about it much because Im craving for it. Everyone has one of these moments. I just wish that it would happen already. I feel like my life is a record that never stops spinning, same songs over and over again. I'm just sick of this place, this town these people. Dont get me wrong, i absolutely love my wonderful friends and all, but I can drive to see them. It's hard to be excited about something nobody is excited about, really.
And so now my grandpa is dead. It's funny to say, im not used to having relatives die. My uncle died when I was 5 and I didn't get to know him too well but I love him with all my heart and feel like I actually have a bond with him, even though he's dead. Is that possible? I think that's what makes me appreciate el dia de los muertos (day of the dead) so much, you're appreciating those who've passed by celebrating their life. That's why I want a tattoo of a sugar skull, to show that the dead are always appreciated and never forgotten. I'll never forget my grandpa, he was the only one I ever got to meet! So he was special because I had no other. I may not of known him that well, but he seems like he was confused about what he really wanted in life. I feel bad, it happens to the best of us, we lose control and go on these crazy streaks and break some hearts. I think he was a good person though, he had a rough past that's for sure. I'm happy he has passed, he's in a better place, he's not suffering, and he's with some pretty awesome people. It just makes me glad. Even though I didn't know you too good, I love you Grandpa, because you're my blood, and I wouldn't be here if you didn't contribute. So thank you, and may you live happily in peace forever in eternity.
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